Article on Mikey the Monkey in Poker Player Magazine

PokerShare's Chimp

Cheap publicity? Go for it, just don't try and cheapen the biggest and best poker tournament ever.

'We think any chump can win the Main Event,' said PokerShare.com, as they tried to enter a chimp into the Big One.

A horribly, horribly misguided press release. Oh, and he can't play poker. He can eat sweets, blow raspberries and beat the poker table like the feral beast he is. And he was never entered into the Main Event as confirmed by the WSOP's Jeffrey Pollock: 'There has been no chimp entered in the Main Event and nor will there be'.

Reading this article upset me a great deal. I had to drink some scotch and lie down for a while.

Still - if their spelling of Jeffrey Pollack's name is anything to go by, CNN has nothing to fear from the journalistic standards presented in their popular newspaper.

'Ain't Misbehavin' - Me on WBAL-TV 11

This TV station made me share a dressing room, and their catering was well below par, so I decided to get my revenge. On air. Live.

You see what happens when you mess with the Mikey?

Monkey News - Mikey gets Arrested

Dramatic Mikey Development
Walla Walla Airport Runway, WA, 05:37 Hours local time

In the early hours of this morning, Mikey the PokerShare.com chimp landed at Walla Walla International Airport, WA.
He had landed his private jet in order to fill up on fuel, local wines and to check out the the world-famous Walla Walla Sweet Onion he had heard so much about. He hoped to take his mind off the recent harrowing events which had seen his poker career torn to pieces.
Stepping off the plane into the clear and unpolluted Washington dawn, he took a deep breath: the shame and ridicule that had accompanied his recent ban from competing in the WSOP seemed distant at last... almost forgotten.
For the first time in days, he felt a genuine sense of joy, and even release from his Vegas-sized pit of gloom. Then and there, he decided to celebrate by jumping up and down repeatedly on the spot, and singing to himself.

High Drama
Walla Walla Airport Cafeteria, WA, 05:46 Hours local time

Mikey calmly perused the vast selection of wines and sweet Corsican onions available from the surprisingly well-stocked airport café. He was particularly taken by a fine-looking Grenache made at the Animale Winery, Yakima Valley.

"My Owner (and mom) is always saying how much she loves the Grenache grape. Maybe if I buy her a case, she'll love me again, and we can carry on our relationship as if Vegas never happened".

His reverie was rudely interrupted as Mikey saw his co-pilot Liam running towards the pre-fabricated structure of the café, his arms flailing, screaming unintelligibly.

"Shouldn't have had that inflight chicken" said Mikey to himself "should've stuck to the liquor like me."

The chimp was then slightly alarmed to see Liam drop, a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his now-partly-exposed ass.

"It's the Feds." said Mikey to the check out girl, laying down a wad of bills, and grabbing a box of wine and as many onions as his little hands (and feet) could carry.

Captured
Walla Walla Airport Ladies Washroom, WA, 15:41 Hours local time

Mikey was discovered, chained and arrested a full ten hours later, hiding in the disabled cubicle of the Walla Walla Airport Ladies Toilet.
State officials were only alerted to his whereabouts after, having subsided on wine and onions for several hours, an unnamed member of the public reported an unusually noxious stench emerging from the facilities.

Crimes Against Luxurious State Gambling Facilities

Washington State Penitentiary, Online Gambling Wing, 19:57 Hours local time

It is reported that Mikey has been incarcerated on the following counts:

1) Promoting Online Gambling
2) Online Gambling
3) Attempting to pilot a plane whilst not being a member of the human race
4) Previous count of defacing Washington State Gambling Facilities in 2003.

Mikey can't remember number 4, but apparently there are plenty of witnesses.

He faces a possible sentence of 27 years, which would mean he may spend the rest of his life behind bars.
The unfortunate ape has waived his right to a bail hearing (and thereby, allegedly, a fair trial) and will remain in the Washington State Prison's Online Gambling Wing, where former poker and casino players share cells, dining areas, and even showers with an array of violent psychopaths and pederasts.

PokerShare.com Stands Firmly Behind Chimp
Sorry, no pun intended, Mikey.

Everyone at PokerShare.com would like to offer their full support to Mikey, and to assure him that his new job as the face of both PokerShare and CasinoShare.com is not threatened by these developments.

So... Just to reiterate this: Mikey will not be fired.
And we support him wholeheartedly. That's right.

We are currently doing everything we can to get him out of jail, and back to his Owner and Mom, who has been worried sick and has already started sending him a multitude of food parcels.
When asked for comment on Washington State Prison TV, all Mikey had to say was the following:

"What a week."

Monkey News - Mikey Distraught as WSOP Dreams Shattered

"Mikey will overcome this rejection into the WSOP 2006 and keep practising until another poker tournament picks him up. We will sponsor him in whatever tournament will accept him because we know a chimp can beat a chump."

PokerShare.com CEO

Jeffrey Pollack, Vice President of Harrah's Entertainment, has announced to the press that Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey will not be taking part in this year's Main Event.
Hearing this, Mikey's initial reaction was one of disappointment and sadness. With his PokerShare.com baseball cap pushed down firmly over his eyes, he asked quietly to be left alone in his personal dressing room. Once there, it is reported that he reflected upon their decision, took a moment to meditate, and then gorged himself on bananas until he was violently ill.

Mikey's Mother Also Upset

Mikey, the most intelligent primate this side of Poughkeepsie, has left an indelible and fragrant mark on the hearts and minds of America, with appearances on Good Morning America, Inside Edition, CBS, FOX News, and others too.
Thousands were rooting for him to enter the WSOP and earn the retirement money he requires to continue living with his trainer and mother, Judie Harrison. When Harrison heard the sad news last week, she broke down in tears, saying
"Mikey has been training for months and really had a shot at winning enough to live with me for the rest of his life. I can't believe they won't let him in. I take him everywhere and he is just like a human, and I am his mother: I am his everything."

Public Outrage at Chimp Rejection

Not only were Mikey and his Mom upset. Chimp-loving members of the public were also sent into a tailspin by the Man's monkey rebuttal. Numerous poker professionals were also aghast, saying they had been very much looking forward to challenging Mikey to a game of cards. One Ultimate Bet pro poker player was quoted as saying

"If PokerShare.com was willing to put up ten thousand dollars for Mikey's seat in the WSOP, Mikey should have had just as much right to play as anyone else. I am outraged,"

Pro player Marcel Luske ('the Flying Dutchman') enjoyed playing against Mikey at a press conference organized by PokerShare.com, saying

"Mikey played quite a few good hands. After looking at his cards, he knew he didn't want to bet because he had a bad hand. He was more well behaved that a lot of other monkeys I've played against at these tournaments."

Mikey II - The Revenge of Mikey

PokerShare.com is standing firm in its support for the incredible chimp, as he tries to find a more open-minded tournament that will allow him to play. With the rapturous support Mikey has received so far, the odds are that tournament executives elsewhere will go all in for this poker-playing enigma.
To show our solidarity with the unfortunate ape, we are going so far as to make him the new face of PokerShare.com.
That's right - in his continuing mission to be taken seriously as a hardened, cunning poker shark, Mikey just got massive. He'll even be appearing in an exclusive blog, where he's gonna dish the dirt on the high life, the honeez, and of course, the Hellmuth.
When asked to comment on these developments, Mikey replied simply "I do bad things to good people."

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.

Yours Truly on Good Morning America

In my defence, I got thrown by the presenter's abysmal 'creative' dealing.

Also, I wasn't really in the mood for a major morning TV appearance.

You want me to spell it out?

Alright - I was hungover. So would you have been if you'd drunk that many banana daiquiris.

Mikey's the name...

Good evening - my name is Mikey. I'm a chimp who likes nothing more than a good ol' game of poker. Im going to the World Series of Poker to make myself one rich son of a monkey. Ivey, Monkeymaker, Hellmuth you chumps are going to get trashed by a chimp.

Anyhow, the plan goes like this:

1) Win $12 million @ WSOP

2) Retire from showbiz (no more crappy fashion shoots/album covers - phew!)

3) Chill in custom-built jungle penthouse in St Maarten.

Sorted. How could my brilliant plan possibly fail?

See you at the Rio....im off to enjoy the sun and have me a cold beer...