Mikey Vs. Bill Filmaff - The Ultimate Head-to-Head

Virginia State Lottery Poker Scratch Card

Scratch 'n' sniff, folks: who needs online poker when you have scratch card poker! Fun fun fun!

Yes, it involves gambling. Yes, it involves poker. You can even order your Mega Millions Lottery subscription online. But it's all legal. Gasp.

They give a lot of money to state education. Generous, though in other places I hear they have taxes to pay for stuff like that.

Mikey is in any case far too classy a chimp to make any jokes about education in VA being like a lottery. (Goodlatte breathes a sigh of relief.)

Coming soon: the State of Virginia PokerShare.com and CasinoShare.com scratch cards with pics of Mikey the Chimp on the front!

It could happen, folks.

Actually, scratch that.

Jon Stewart on Online Gambling

Jon Stewart offers an imaginative explanation for why online casinos and poker should be illegal, whilst betting on horses and lotteries is a-okay.



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The Truth about the Anti-Online Gambling Bill

As ever, the truth will out, all thanks to our trusty friend the internet:



Our guy, quite literally, in the field has some very good points. Sadly, the same can't be said for his dancing at the end.

Illegal Chimp Enforcement Act 2006

It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:

"The very existence of Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."

"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:

"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all: Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."

"How you go about this is your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards spontaneous self-combustion without delay."

"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law. That's common sense talking, and you know it."

"You might very well still be engaged in heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."

"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"

There was a murmur of dissaproval from the (mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.

"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."

His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.

Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added

"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."

"online porno will be unaffected by these changes."

There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.

The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.

Exclusive - The Black-Eyed Peas' Fergie and me - our Secret Past Revealed

I taught her everything she knows

And not just about poker either.

Still, you won't find jokes about how fitting it is she should make the cover of 'TopPair' magazine here. I am a perfect gentleman, and never lapse into vulgar jokes about former lady friends.

She was a double-A when I knew her, anyway.

We met at the Coney Island Sideshow school in the Summer of 2004. She was taking break dance and rap, I took poy, knife-throwing and tap.

Although she was instantly attracted to me, I won't say it was immediately reciprocal. I couldn't get over her physical shortcomings, and found her constant nattering about how she was going to make it big in the rap scene ultimately a little tiresome.

Of course, now I regret my inability to see past these superficial shortcomings, especially when I taught her everything she knows about poker, and now she gives me absolutely no credit.

It hurts, I can tell you. Especially with all the albums we worked together on:

I hear she has a new boyfriend now: apparently he's really 'hot', and cool, and human.

Well... I can't compete with him in the human stakes - But I tell you this:

Whoever he is, I'll take him down on the tables, one on one. I'll take him down. Right down - No time at all.

Then Fergie and I can recommence making sweet sweet music together.

That'll be sweet.

My New Favorite Game

Hi buddies (and assorted groupies),

I have a new favorite game. It's not a stunning new variation of poker, neither is it an exciting but obscure card game I discovered down the casino.

I call it 'Googlism'. And I've been playing it for hours.

Sad, you say? Well... maybe a little - but a guy's got to unwind somehow after hitting the tables hard over the weekend and losing the equivalent of the GDP of a small pacific country.

I need something to take my mind off it, know what I mean?

So I click here, and I type in my name, or the name of a friend... And lots of random stuff comes up - bit like consulting an oracle or a fortune-teller.

Here's some of the stuff I found out about myself playing Googlism:

Monkey is funky
Monkey is elected
monkey is handcuffed at a police station in tianjin
monkey is finally off his back
Monkey is a scorpio
Monkey is master of remote control
monkey is susceptible to plasmodium falciparum
monkey is resourceful and the real hero of the series
Monkey is elected mayor of hartlepool
monkey is found mainly in primary subtropical lowland broadleaf forest on steep limestone hills

It's amazing the stuff you don't even realise about yourself, y'know?

Please feel free to leave a comment telling me what you learnt about yourself playing the mighty game of Googlism

Article on Mikey the Monkey in Poker Player Magazine

PokerShare's Chimp

Cheap publicity? Go for it, just don't try and cheapen the biggest and best poker tournament ever.

'We think any chump can win the Main Event,' said PokerShare.com, as they tried to enter a chimp into the Big One.

A horribly, horribly misguided press release. Oh, and he can't play poker. He can eat sweets, blow raspberries and beat the poker table like the feral beast he is. And he was never entered into the Main Event as confirmed by the WSOP's Jeffrey Pollock: 'There has been no chimp entered in the Main Event and nor will there be'.

Reading this article upset me a great deal. I had to drink some scotch and lie down for a while.

Still - if their spelling of Jeffrey Pollack's name is anything to go by, CNN has nothing to fear from the journalistic standards presented in their popular newspaper.

WSOP Champion Jamie Gold Gets Sued

News Just In

WSOP monkey champion Jamie M. Gold is being sued for half his $12 million prize. Jamie got within inches of massive wealth, and was just about to jack in his job too, but now the briefcase full of cash is under lock and key again at the Rio. Jamie won't see a dime of his prize until this baloney lawsuit is thrown out.

The World Series of Poker may have refused Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey permission to play in the WSOP Main Event, but that doesn't mean he's so bitter and twisted he doesn't know a blatantly phoney publicity stunt when he sees one.

"This kind of thing just makes me sick" said the PokerShare.com Chimp earlier today.

"I'm totally shocked the depths that some humans will stoop to, and for what? A bit of cheap marketing? A few bucks? I tell you, you'd never catch me and my buddies at PokerShare.com doing anything as low as this."

Speaking to his adoring public this morning, Mikey reiterated his total support for the WSOP winner, and soon to be bankrupt Gold. Ever since this messy lawsuit thing started, Mikey's trainer has had to make absolutely sure no-one mentions Bruce Crispin Leyser around him: whenever Mikey hears the name of the guy who's suing Jamie Gold for his hard-earned poker millions, he jumps up and down violently and throws stuff around.

In order to help Jamie feel better during what must be a very difficult time, Mikey has suggested they both get back to what they know and love best. Not blonde models, in this case -

"How about a Head-to-Head Hold 'em Tourney old school, head to head - no rebuys, no limit... old school, Jamie... the way it was supposed to be played."

Mikey has also issued a challenge to poker tournaments worldwide:

"Your decision to ban ape and monkey players is unconstitutional. In addition, it's a real drag for me and my chimp buddies. I'll say it again: Let me play... Or the Hellmuth gets it..."

Mikey's take on WSOP Winner Jamie Gold

Mikey's been doing some muck-raking on WSOP winner Jamie Gold. Here he offers the results of his extensive research, plus his views on what the Goldster said when he won, and more...

Good evening. Mikey here.

So TV Producer, Hollywood Agent, and general over-achiever Jamie M. Gold got crowned chief monkey at this year’s WSOP.

Quite an achievement when you consider this year’s competition included Porn Star Ron Jeremy, the Hellmuth, Max Wright and the nymphomaniac Czech exchange student in ‘American Pie’.

Now I’ve been doing a little snooping, and I’ve discovered the following juicy Gold-en gossip:

Whilst most human children aspire to be firemen or Secretary of State when they grow up, James Marianne Gold knew he wanted to be a Showbiz agent from when he was 3½. The precocious New Joysian even set up his own Agency at elementary school, taking a well-deserved 20% cut from his classmates’ cookie sales, Hallowe’en candy, and lunch money in return for promoting their skills as child actors. He was granted early release from school for services to the entertainment industry, and was the first minor to be appointed to the board of a talent agency when he became the JMG Agency’s CEO at 13¾.

Gold’s life has not all been plain sailing, however. Oh no. Anyone who watched this year’s WSOP will know all too well that he is still battling an addiction which has split has family apart, and done irreparable damage to his short-term memory (not to mention his teeth). I speak of course of his 5 cup-a-day blueberry habit. This was at one stage reportedly so serious that, whilst a student at UCLA, his whole body actually turned purple.

So now you know, when you think of his memorable, witty quote

“I won because of the Blueberries”

This is the addiction speaking, not the Gold. Remember that kids. Fruit addiction is not clever. Neither is it cool, as James Marianne himself shows.

It had been reported that Gold promised he would throw the final table, losing deliberately to ‘avoid the burden of fame.’

Two small points, Jimmy(Or what ever your name is:)

1. You lied.

2. ‘The burden of fame’ ?????? ‘The BuRdEn of FaMe’ ??? Do my chimpy-ears deceive me??????????? What are you talking about? You had more play with the ladies in the five minutes directly after you won the WSOP than the rest of your life put together!!

And this you call a ‘burden’: Jamie Gold – may I be the first to say this:

You are a complete and utter Talent Agent.

And I don’t use these words lightly. Having said that, I know that Tony Soprano is one of your clients. I am scared of him. If Mr. Soprano is reading, I’d just like to point out, before he gets all Medieval on my multi-coloured monkey ass… I’d like to say this…

I challenge you, Gold. I challenge you, and I challenge your monkey Tony Soprano to a poker challenge – Hold ‘em old school - no rebuys, no limit… no mercy!

Are you man enough to take up a monkey’s challenge, or are you scared, blueberry boy?

Monkey News - Who? What? Wa?

The Good State of Washington Vs. Mikey the PokerShare.com Chimp

Yesterday, I reported as faithfully as I could a series of dramatic events. I was told to inform you that lovable rogue Mikey the Chimp had been arrested in a lightning sting operation at Walla Walla International Airport, WA. The unfortunate ape, I was told to say, had been locked up for online gambling crimes against humanity. Having refused a bail hearing, Mikey was due to serve a maximum sentence of 27 years. This was worked out as follows:

3 years for the heinous crime of playing poker over the internet;
6 years for online slot offences;
1 year for use of a roulette with intent to harm;
2 years for taking part in online bingo (Mikey has since denied this charge);
15 years for coordinating a campaign to befoul the cleanliness of Washington State's Casino Facilities.

So far, so plausible. Except... Except...

Newsletter Writer Left Out of Loop

Except for the fact that the information I was told to pass on (and did so in good faith) was filled with holes. I had been tricked. Lied to. To sum up, the story I recounted to you was a load of baloney.

Don't get me wrong: the details were true - a chimp was caught, shackled, and placed in a packed and sweaty cell in the online gambling wing of Washington State Prison; and the unfortunate primate in question will face such an extensive jail term that if he doesn't pops his clogs whilst still behind bars, well... let's just say he won't be in any shape to bother many more blonde strippers when he finally gets out.

The thing is... Mikey never left Las Vegas at all. Just last night, he was spotted out on the Strip, carousing with a notoriously tall Swedish beauty, and performing an impromptu karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Now that what I call class. But I digress...

Then Just who is Being Held in Washington State Jail?

The PokerShare.com Intelligence Office was clearly way ahead of Washington State's (if indeed they have one at all). The P.I.O. foresaw the possibility that Mikey might be arrested if he landed in Washington for his crimes against the state, so sent a body-double in Mikey's place.

Q: But why test this out now? A: Mikey is a showbiz animal, and gets what he wants, when he wants it. He had already expressed a burning desire to visit the state of Washington, because he was desperate to taste their highly-rated wines (particularly the Grenache). Also, he wanted to get his teeth into some of those sweet sweet Walla Walla onions (particularly the Corsicans).
In order to keep our high-maintenance monkey diva happy (and non-violent), we promised him a trip, once his idiot brother and lookalike Jeb had gone and tested the water (and the onions) there for him first.

Just as monkeys have been sacrificed in the name of science - brave animals who consented to starve to death in order to help some more evolved monkeys develop better rockets to fire into empty space, so Jeb sportingly made for us the ultimate sacrifice:

In order for Mikey to carry on carousing, getting rowdy, and, perhaps most importantly, playing poker, his inferior sibling had to end up in the Big House with the psychos and the perverts until he dies.

Jeb, if you are reading this - your brother Mikey sent the following message -

"Thanks broheim - you know I'd do the same for you... Still, it's nice to know I won't ever have to... You know?"

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey does bad things to good people, as Jeb knows only too well.

Monkey News - Mikey gets Arrested

Dramatic Mikey Development
Walla Walla Airport Runway, WA, 05:37 Hours local time

In the early hours of this morning, Mikey the PokerShare.com chimp landed at Walla Walla International Airport, WA.
He had landed his private jet in order to fill up on fuel, local wines and to check out the the world-famous Walla Walla Sweet Onion he had heard so much about. He hoped to take his mind off the recent harrowing events which had seen his poker career torn to pieces.
Stepping off the plane into the clear and unpolluted Washington dawn, he took a deep breath: the shame and ridicule that had accompanied his recent ban from competing in the WSOP seemed distant at last... almost forgotten.
For the first time in days, he felt a genuine sense of joy, and even release from his Vegas-sized pit of gloom. Then and there, he decided to celebrate by jumping up and down repeatedly on the spot, and singing to himself.

High Drama
Walla Walla Airport Cafeteria, WA, 05:46 Hours local time

Mikey calmly perused the vast selection of wines and sweet Corsican onions available from the surprisingly well-stocked airport café. He was particularly taken by a fine-looking Grenache made at the Animale Winery, Yakima Valley.

"My Owner (and mom) is always saying how much she loves the Grenache grape. Maybe if I buy her a case, she'll love me again, and we can carry on our relationship as if Vegas never happened".

His reverie was rudely interrupted as Mikey saw his co-pilot Liam running towards the pre-fabricated structure of the café, his arms flailing, screaming unintelligibly.

"Shouldn't have had that inflight chicken" said Mikey to himself "should've stuck to the liquor like me."

The chimp was then slightly alarmed to see Liam drop, a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his now-partly-exposed ass.

"It's the Feds." said Mikey to the check out girl, laying down a wad of bills, and grabbing a box of wine and as many onions as his little hands (and feet) could carry.

Captured
Walla Walla Airport Ladies Washroom, WA, 15:41 Hours local time

Mikey was discovered, chained and arrested a full ten hours later, hiding in the disabled cubicle of the Walla Walla Airport Ladies Toilet.
State officials were only alerted to his whereabouts after, having subsided on wine and onions for several hours, an unnamed member of the public reported an unusually noxious stench emerging from the facilities.

Crimes Against Luxurious State Gambling Facilities

Washington State Penitentiary, Online Gambling Wing, 19:57 Hours local time

It is reported that Mikey has been incarcerated on the following counts:

1) Promoting Online Gambling
2) Online Gambling
3) Attempting to pilot a plane whilst not being a member of the human race
4) Previous count of defacing Washington State Gambling Facilities in 2003.

Mikey can't remember number 4, but apparently there are plenty of witnesses.

He faces a possible sentence of 27 years, which would mean he may spend the rest of his life behind bars.
The unfortunate ape has waived his right to a bail hearing (and thereby, allegedly, a fair trial) and will remain in the Washington State Prison's Online Gambling Wing, where former poker and casino players share cells, dining areas, and even showers with an array of violent psychopaths and pederasts.

PokerShare.com Stands Firmly Behind Chimp
Sorry, no pun intended, Mikey.

Everyone at PokerShare.com would like to offer their full support to Mikey, and to assure him that his new job as the face of both PokerShare and CasinoShare.com is not threatened by these developments.

So... Just to reiterate this: Mikey will not be fired.
And we support him wholeheartedly. That's right.

We are currently doing everything we can to get him out of jail, and back to his Owner and Mom, who has been worried sick and has already started sending him a multitude of food parcels.
When asked for comment on Washington State Prison TV, all Mikey had to say was the following:

"What a week."

Yours Truly on Good Morning America

In my defence, I got thrown by the presenter's abysmal 'creative' dealing.

Also, I wasn't really in the mood for a major morning TV appearance.

You want me to spell it out?

Alright - I was hungover. So would you have been if you'd drunk that many banana daiquiris.

A Star is Born

Show me the Monkey

Following an intensive spell of poker training, nightly home games, and repeated watching of the film ‘Rounders’, Mikey is ready.

Ready for his entry to the main event of the WSOP, where he’s gonna psyche out his less evolved opponents.

Ready for fame, fans, and yes… even groupies.

Ready to eat some of the finest bananas known to humanity.

The Rumours are True

PokerShare.com is taking both online poker and primate research to new heights…

We are entering Mikey the Chimp to the $10k Main Event at the World Series of Poker. As the first primate competitor at the WSOP, there is a lot of expectation surrounding Mikey. A great deal rests on shoulders – not least the hopes and dreams of the entire ape community.

Luckily, Mikey’s shoulders are not just incredibly hairy, but also broad.

Whatever you fling at him, he can deal with.

But if you trash talk monkey poker players, he might just fling something back at you.

Important Scientific Research

Research into the ability of monkeys to ape human language has produced mixed results: from Washoe, who has mastered over 800 words in American Sign Language, to Nim Chimpsky (now deceased) who managed only 125 (example phrase: “Me Nim eat me”).

However, experiments regarding the gaming skills of monkeys are extremely limited:

We know, for example, that Kanzi (who has the spoken language skills of a 2½ year old human) enjoys a game of Ms. Pacman, but it would seem that his researchers have yet to introduce him to poker.

His sister Panbanisha on the other hand, also a resident of the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, “has a very high level of interest in creating musical constructions at the keyboard.”

Likewise, Mikey’s glittering career in the music industry has already seen him make the cover of a Black-Eyed Peas album - what a lucrative gig that was. Mikey isn't even a fan of the band, but like he says himself, "you’ve got to feed the monkey, right?"

Both PokerShare and Mikey hope to raise the profile of the Campaign for Equal Rights of Monkeys Worldwide, and to discover whether our thesis is correct, that

“A chimp is capable of playing poker at least as well as Phil Hellmuth Jr., if not better.”

Mikey's the name...

Good evening - my name is Mikey. I'm a chimp who likes nothing more than a good ol' game of poker. Im going to the World Series of Poker to make myself one rich son of a monkey. Ivey, Monkeymaker, Hellmuth you chumps are going to get trashed by a chimp.

Anyhow, the plan goes like this:

1) Win $12 million @ WSOP

2) Retire from showbiz (no more crappy fashion shoots/album covers - phew!)

3) Chill in custom-built jungle penthouse in St Maarten.

Sorted. How could my brilliant plan possibly fail?

See you at the Rio....im off to enjoy the sun and have me a cold beer...