Mikey Vs. Bill Filmaff - The Ultimate Head-to-Head

UK Cultural Secretary Slams US Anti-Gambling Law

'Speaking ahead of the first-ever international summit on remote gambling being held at Royal Ascot next Tuesday, Ms Jowell told the Financial Times: "America should have learnt the lessons of prohibition."There was a "real danger" that the US laws would create the "modern-day equivalent of speakeasies" - venues that illegally served alcohol - online, she said.'

'Ms Jowell wants to win international support for the [UK] government's approach of allowing online casino and poker sites, subject to legal control, rather than expelling them offshore and out of reach.'

"I firmly believe we have chosen the path that will do the most to... keep out crime," she said.

Ms Jowell said she was determined to kickstart a debate on the global regulation of gambling ahead of next week's summit at which the US will be notably absent.'

Taken from the Guardian Unlimited today.

I hear speakeasypoker.com is already being set up as I write this. Moonshinepoker.com also. Fristfamilypoker.com is still pending though.

Virginia State Lottery Poker Scratch Card

Scratch 'n' sniff, folks: who needs online poker when you have scratch card poker! Fun fun fun!

Yes, it involves gambling. Yes, it involves poker. You can even order your Mega Millions Lottery subscription online. But it's all legal. Gasp.

They give a lot of money to state education. Generous, though in other places I hear they have taxes to pay for stuff like that.

Mikey is in any case far too classy a chimp to make any jokes about education in VA being like a lottery. (Goodlatte breathes a sigh of relief.)

Coming soon: the State of Virginia PokerShare.com and CasinoShare.com scratch cards with pics of Mikey the Chimp on the front!

It could happen, folks.

Actually, scratch that.

Article on Mikey the Monkey in Poker Player Magazine

PokerShare's Chimp

Cheap publicity? Go for it, just don't try and cheapen the biggest and best poker tournament ever.

'We think any chump can win the Main Event,' said PokerShare.com, as they tried to enter a chimp into the Big One.

A horribly, horribly misguided press release. Oh, and he can't play poker. He can eat sweets, blow raspberries and beat the poker table like the feral beast he is. And he was never entered into the Main Event as confirmed by the WSOP's Jeffrey Pollock: 'There has been no chimp entered in the Main Event and nor will there be'.

Reading this article upset me a great deal. I had to drink some scotch and lie down for a while.

Still - if their spelling of Jeffrey Pollack's name is anything to go by, CNN has nothing to fear from the journalistic standards presented in their popular newspaper.

Mikey's take on WSOP Winner Jamie Gold

Mikey's been doing some muck-raking on WSOP winner Jamie Gold. Here he offers the results of his extensive research, plus his views on what the Goldster said when he won, and more...

Good evening. Mikey here.

So TV Producer, Hollywood Agent, and general over-achiever Jamie M. Gold got crowned chief monkey at this year’s WSOP.

Quite an achievement when you consider this year’s competition included Porn Star Ron Jeremy, the Hellmuth, Max Wright and the nymphomaniac Czech exchange student in ‘American Pie’.

Now I’ve been doing a little snooping, and I’ve discovered the following juicy Gold-en gossip:

Whilst most human children aspire to be firemen or Secretary of State when they grow up, James Marianne Gold knew he wanted to be a Showbiz agent from when he was 3½. The precocious New Joysian even set up his own Agency at elementary school, taking a well-deserved 20% cut from his classmates’ cookie sales, Hallowe’en candy, and lunch money in return for promoting their skills as child actors. He was granted early release from school for services to the entertainment industry, and was the first minor to be appointed to the board of a talent agency when he became the JMG Agency’s CEO at 13¾.

Gold’s life has not all been plain sailing, however. Oh no. Anyone who watched this year’s WSOP will know all too well that he is still battling an addiction which has split has family apart, and done irreparable damage to his short-term memory (not to mention his teeth). I speak of course of his 5 cup-a-day blueberry habit. This was at one stage reportedly so serious that, whilst a student at UCLA, his whole body actually turned purple.

So now you know, when you think of his memorable, witty quote

“I won because of the Blueberries”

This is the addiction speaking, not the Gold. Remember that kids. Fruit addiction is not clever. Neither is it cool, as James Marianne himself shows.

It had been reported that Gold promised he would throw the final table, losing deliberately to ‘avoid the burden of fame.’

Two small points, Jimmy(Or what ever your name is:)

1. You lied.

2. ‘The burden of fame’ ?????? ‘The BuRdEn of FaMe’ ??? Do my chimpy-ears deceive me??????????? What are you talking about? You had more play with the ladies in the five minutes directly after you won the WSOP than the rest of your life put together!!

And this you call a ‘burden’: Jamie Gold – may I be the first to say this:

You are a complete and utter Talent Agent.

And I don’t use these words lightly. Having said that, I know that Tony Soprano is one of your clients. I am scared of him. If Mr. Soprano is reading, I’d just like to point out, before he gets all Medieval on my multi-coloured monkey ass… I’d like to say this…

I challenge you, Gold. I challenge you, and I challenge your monkey Tony Soprano to a poker challenge – Hold ‘em old school - no rebuys, no limit… no mercy!

Are you man enough to take up a monkey’s challenge, or are you scared, blueberry boy?

Monkey News - Who? What? Wa?

The Good State of Washington Vs. Mikey the PokerShare.com Chimp

Yesterday, I reported as faithfully as I could a series of dramatic events. I was told to inform you that lovable rogue Mikey the Chimp had been arrested in a lightning sting operation at Walla Walla International Airport, WA. The unfortunate ape, I was told to say, had been locked up for online gambling crimes against humanity. Having refused a bail hearing, Mikey was due to serve a maximum sentence of 27 years. This was worked out as follows:

3 years for the heinous crime of playing poker over the internet;
6 years for online slot offences;
1 year for use of a roulette with intent to harm;
2 years for taking part in online bingo (Mikey has since denied this charge);
15 years for coordinating a campaign to befoul the cleanliness of Washington State's Casino Facilities.

So far, so plausible. Except... Except...

Newsletter Writer Left Out of Loop

Except for the fact that the information I was told to pass on (and did so in good faith) was filled with holes. I had been tricked. Lied to. To sum up, the story I recounted to you was a load of baloney.

Don't get me wrong: the details were true - a chimp was caught, shackled, and placed in a packed and sweaty cell in the online gambling wing of Washington State Prison; and the unfortunate primate in question will face such an extensive jail term that if he doesn't pops his clogs whilst still behind bars, well... let's just say he won't be in any shape to bother many more blonde strippers when he finally gets out.

The thing is... Mikey never left Las Vegas at all. Just last night, he was spotted out on the Strip, carousing with a notoriously tall Swedish beauty, and performing an impromptu karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Now that what I call class. But I digress...

Then Just who is Being Held in Washington State Jail?

The PokerShare.com Intelligence Office was clearly way ahead of Washington State's (if indeed they have one at all). The P.I.O. foresaw the possibility that Mikey might be arrested if he landed in Washington for his crimes against the state, so sent a body-double in Mikey's place.

Q: But why test this out now? A: Mikey is a showbiz animal, and gets what he wants, when he wants it. He had already expressed a burning desire to visit the state of Washington, because he was desperate to taste their highly-rated wines (particularly the Grenache). Also, he wanted to get his teeth into some of those sweet sweet Walla Walla onions (particularly the Corsicans).
In order to keep our high-maintenance monkey diva happy (and non-violent), we promised him a trip, once his idiot brother and lookalike Jeb had gone and tested the water (and the onions) there for him first.

Just as monkeys have been sacrificed in the name of science - brave animals who consented to starve to death in order to help some more evolved monkeys develop better rockets to fire into empty space, so Jeb sportingly made for us the ultimate sacrifice:

In order for Mikey to carry on carousing, getting rowdy, and, perhaps most importantly, playing poker, his inferior sibling had to end up in the Big House with the psychos and the perverts until he dies.

Jeb, if you are reading this - your brother Mikey sent the following message -

"Thanks broheim - you know I'd do the same for you... Still, it's nice to know I won't ever have to... You know?"

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey does bad things to good people, as Jeb knows only too well.

Ooo I got what it takes

Leavin’ on a Jet Plane

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey packs his bags and leaves his Maryland home (on a jet plane.) He don’t know when he’ll be back again, and frankly, he don’t much care:

After all, he’s going to Vegas, baby. Yeah… Let the good times roll…

Bigger than Trump, Murdoch and Martha Stewart combined

Mikey’s onslaught on the world’s media has begun:
He's going to be a great big shining star. Oh yah.

Remember my Name

Being the proud owner of opposable big toes, adjusting to the limelight has been easy for Mikey: Incredibly, he is actually able to sign four autographs simultaneously.

Celebrities would kill for these skills.

You ain’t seen the best of me yet

Mikey would like to take this opportunity to apologize both to his fans and supporters, humans and primates, as his performance on Good Morning America was clearly not up to the high standard of poker he usually sets himself. We would like to offer the following explanation on his behalf:

Earlier that day, our hairy friend’s strict poker regime was rudely interrupted by Bertha, an orang-utan, challenging him to a game of Omaha Hi-Lo.

Whilst Mikey is principally a Hold ‘em-trained ape, he never can turn down a challenge from bigger, uglier primates (Phil Hellmuth Jr. being a case in point.)

Bertha busted him out of a wad of cash (including his stash from the Black-Eyed Peas gig he did – read more about this here.) Having bottled up his frustration for hours, and having lost his bankroll to a primate that looks like an extra from “Space Odyssey”, Mikey went on tilt.
Unfortunately for him, this happened in front of the cameras, with the eyes and hopes of a nation on him.

I got more in me and you can set it free

In conclusion, we offer the following explanations for Mikey’s below-par poker (on this occasion):

(a) The Bertha thing, obviously. Who, if they’re being totally honest, has never had this happen to them?

(b) Seeing the Good Morning America Presenter dealing cards with a flagrant disregard for the rules of any game of poker known to man (or monkey).

Give me time I’ll make you forget the rest

Finally, on behalf of the chimp himself, we’d like to say the following…

Your continued support for Mikey’s trail-blazing journey to the World Series of Poker is appreciated.

Mikey's the name...

Good evening - my name is Mikey. I'm a chimp who likes nothing more than a good ol' game of poker. Im going to the World Series of Poker to make myself one rich son of a monkey. Ivey, Monkeymaker, Hellmuth you chumps are going to get trashed by a chimp.

Anyhow, the plan goes like this:

1) Win $12 million @ WSOP

2) Retire from showbiz (no more crappy fashion shoots/album covers - phew!)

3) Chill in custom-built jungle penthouse in St Maarten.

Sorted. How could my brilliant plan possibly fail?

See you at the Rio....im off to enjoy the sun and have me a cold beer...