Illegal Chimp Enforcement Act 2006

It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:

"The very existence of Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."

"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:

"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all: Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."

"How you go about this is your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards spontaneous self-combustion without delay."

"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law. That's common sense talking, and you know it."

"You might very well still be engaged in heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."

"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"

There was a murmur of dissaproval from the (mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.

"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."

His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.

Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added

"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."

"online porno will be unaffected by these changes."

There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.

The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.

Mikey Speaks - His Response to Recent Press Criticism

You can check out Mikey's latest spoken post, this time responding to recent highly negative coverage he's been getting in the press, right here. This, as you can see, was recorded at his island retreat/rehab centre. As you can also see (and hear), he is making only limited progress. Ah well.

Mikey See, Mikey Do Extended Vacation

Mikey has taken a well-earned vacation to rest his weary monkey bones.

Which is to say he's in rehab.

More fun with Mikey once he is cured and returns to entertain you some more.

Exclusive - The Black-Eyed Peas' Fergie and me - our Secret Past Revealed

I taught her everything she knows

And not just about poker either.

Still, you won't find jokes about how fitting it is she should make the cover of 'TopPair' magazine here. I am a perfect gentleman, and never lapse into vulgar jokes about former lady friends.

She was a double-A when I knew her, anyway.

We met at the Coney Island Sideshow school in the Summer of 2004. She was taking break dance and rap, I took poy, knife-throwing and tap.

Although she was instantly attracted to me, I won't say it was immediately reciprocal. I couldn't get over her physical shortcomings, and found her constant nattering about how she was going to make it big in the rap scene ultimately a little tiresome.

Of course, now I regret my inability to see past these superficial shortcomings, especially when I taught her everything she knows about poker, and now she gives me absolutely no credit.

It hurts, I can tell you. Especially with all the albums we worked together on:

I hear she has a new boyfriend now: apparently he's really 'hot', and cool, and human.

Well... I can't compete with him in the human stakes - But I tell you this:

Whoever he is, I'll take him down on the tables, one on one. I'll take him down. Right down - No time at all.

Then Fergie and I can recommence making sweet sweet music together.

That'll be sweet.

My New Favorite Game

Hi buddies (and assorted groupies),

I have a new favorite game. It's not a stunning new variation of poker, neither is it an exciting but obscure card game I discovered down the casino.

I call it 'Googlism'. And I've been playing it for hours.

Sad, you say? Well... maybe a little - but a guy's got to unwind somehow after hitting the tables hard over the weekend and losing the equivalent of the GDP of a small pacific country.

I need something to take my mind off it, know what I mean?

So I click here, and I type in my name, or the name of a friend... And lots of random stuff comes up - bit like consulting an oracle or a fortune-teller.

Here's some of the stuff I found out about myself playing Googlism:

Monkey is funky
Monkey is elected
monkey is handcuffed at a police station in tianjin
monkey is finally off his back
Monkey is a scorpio
Monkey is master of remote control
monkey is susceptible to plasmodium falciparum
monkey is resourceful and the real hero of the series
Monkey is elected mayor of hartlepool
monkey is found mainly in primary subtropical lowland broadleaf forest on steep limestone hills

It's amazing the stuff you don't even realise about yourself, y'know?

Please feel free to leave a comment telling me what you learnt about yourself playing the mighty game of Googlism

Article on Mikey the Monkey in Poker Player Magazine

PokerShare's Chimp

Cheap publicity? Go for it, just don't try and cheapen the biggest and best poker tournament ever.

'We think any chump can win the Main Event,' said PokerShare.com, as they tried to enter a chimp into the Big One.

A horribly, horribly misguided press release. Oh, and he can't play poker. He can eat sweets, blow raspberries and beat the poker table like the feral beast he is. And he was never entered into the Main Event as confirmed by the WSOP's Jeffrey Pollock: 'There has been no chimp entered in the Main Event and nor will there be'.

Reading this article upset me a great deal. I had to drink some scotch and lie down for a while.

Still - if their spelling of Jeffrey Pollack's name is anything to go by, CNN has nothing to fear from the journalistic standards presented in their popular newspaper.

Mikey's Response to Journalist who 'Dissed' him

A while back, a hack called Kevin Stott wrote a bitchy article about me. Its witty title was 'Poker chimp makes a monkey out of the media at press conference.' Wish I'd thought of that.

See below for the highlights of Stott's brilliantly conceived piece, and my responses in green.

No, the chimp can't play poker.

Off to a bad start, Kevin – I’m not liking this already - haven’t you heard I do bad things to good people?

Despite my initial -- not primal -- instincts to avoid a press conference

Clever… I like it – ‘primal’ – monkey – geddit? No. Me neither.

I…got on the VIP list…to go see Mikey the Chimp "play" a chosen journalist in a hand of Texas Hold 'Em poker…at the Real World suite at the Palms.

Congratulations. You should be proud of yourself.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is a historic day in the history of poker," announced a representative from PopCulturePR, the firm handling the event for Pokershare.com. "I'd like to welcome Mikey." Let the BS begin.

By BS, you mean of course ‘brilliant stunt’. Thanks buddy.

And in comes the three-foot tall, 4-year-old hairy beast with owner and handler Judie Harrison… Pokershare.com invitees, PR people, models and others…quiet with anticipation, "Mikey's been training to learn to play poker for about four months now," Harrison told the crowd of about 60, all staring at the primate who seemed to wonder why all these strange people were looking at him and pointing items of various sizes in his direction to capture an image of him for their story.

Longest sentence ever, or what? Certainly gets my vote. I also really like how you tried to ‘explain’ a camera from the dumb old monkey’s point of view.

Listen, dude: I’m on the cover of the 4th best-selling album of 2005. In the world. And you think I don’t know what a frikkin' camera is?
After Mikey flailed his arms and ran with his hands over his head, as if overwhelmed by all the strange homosapiens looking at him, Harrison said, "He's itching to play."

Would that be ‘Homo Sapiens’ you mean? Awww… Never mind… You tried.

Professional poker player Marcel "The Flying Dutchman" Luske also had been wrangled into the three-ring circus…

Are you trying to imply that a monkey belongs in the circus? Well, sorry to disappoint you Stottie, but the peripatetic (you can look that one up) lifestyle is not the one for me. I’m way too attached to home/Olympic-size adventure playground back in good ol’ Maryland:

When a photographer asked for Mikey to move to the seat next to Luske for a better photo opportunity, Harrison felt the need to let Luske know to watch his private parts because little Mikey could get a little bit handsy. Mikey moved seats and immediately grabbed at Luske, proving the primate was still more at ease acting like an animal than like Phil Helmuth.

I really don’t know where to start with this one, Kev:

1) I was trying to psyche out my opponent. Duh…

2) The family jewels grab is a well-known and effective move in both poker and pro-wrestling.

3) I’m sorry if my ‘animal’-like behaviour offended your delicate sensibilities, Kevin. After all, it’s easy to forget that I’m a frikkin’ chimp!! What were you expecting, a monkey Prince Charles?

4) If you knew anything about poker, you’d know better than to suggest the Hellmuth as some kind of shining example for everyone to follow. That boy’s behaviour at the tables consistently puts my trademark ‘balls grab’ manoeuvre in the shade.

As I trekked out of the Palms…it suddenly hit me who the real 800-pound gorilla in the room really was. It was us. The media.

Don’t bring the rest of the media into this, Kevin. Or your weight problem, for that matter.

You just don’t like me, do you?

Jealous?

We all fell for it. The irony came from the fact that everyone involved the casino, the PR firm, Pokershare.com employees, the models, Mikey's owner and the poker pro -- was getting paid to do a story about a chimp who couldn't play poker, playing poker. Everyone but Mikey that is.

Ooooooh – the ‘moral’ at the end of Kevin Stott’s profound comment on the state of humanity (and monkeykind). Very deep. Just a couple of points though:

1) For your information Kev, I do get paid – in treats, booze, and whatever else I fancy. Including trips to Hooters. Jealous?

2) If I got paid in cash, what d’you think I’d do with it all? I’d just go and blow it on gambling, and stuff it into strippers’ thongs.

3) So, I hope you begin to see why it’s safer I get paid in kind. For all concerned.

4) To sum up then, I do bad things to good people.

5) Kevin – don’t worry – you are most definitely not a good person.