Friday, October 27, 2006

UK Cultural Secretary Slams US Anti-Gambling Law

'Speaking ahead of the first-ever international summit on remote gambling being held at Royal Ascot next Tuesday, Ms Jowell told the Financial Times: "America should have learnt the lessons of prohibition."There was a "real danger" that the US laws would create the "modern-day equivalent of speakeasies" - venues that illegally served alcohol - online, she said.'

'Ms Jowell wants to win international support for the [UK] government's approach of allowing online casino and poker sites, subject to legal control, rather than expelling them offshore and out of reach.'

"I firmly believe we have chosen the path that will do the most to... keep out crime," she said.

Ms Jowell said she was determined to kickstart a debate on the global regulation of gambling ahead of next week's summit at which the US will be notably absent.'

Taken from the Guardian Unlimited today.

I hear is already being set up as I write this. also. is still pending though.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Virginia State Lottery Poker Scratch Card

Scratch 'n' sniff, folks: who needs online poker when you have scratch card poker! Fun fun fun!

Yes, it involves gambling. Yes, it involves poker. You can even order your Mega Millions Lottery subscription online. But it's all legal. Gasp.

They give a lot of money to state education. Generous, though in other places I hear they have taxes to pay for stuff like that.

Mikey is in any case far too classy a chimp to make any jokes about education in VA being like a lottery. (Goodlatte breathes a sigh of relief.)

Coming soon: the State of Virginia and scratch cards with pics of Mikey the Chimp on the front!

It could happen, folks.

Actually, scratch that.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Isn't it Ironic?

The Dogs of Poker Blog picked this one up. absolutely priceless:

The State of Virginia, home to one of the guys who brought us the Anti-Online Gambling Bill (Bob Goodlatte) has a 'very well promoted' state lottery.

Yes, that's still legal. All fine so far.

The irony is, they recently started selling Texas Hold 'em-themed scratch cards. A great success all over, I hear...

Oh the humanity. (And hypocrisy.)

I'm just glad I'm a chimp.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Jon Stewart on Online Gambling

Jon Stewart offers an imaginative explanation for why online casinos and poker should be illegal, whilst betting on horses and lotteries is a-okay.

Sign up to today and take part in our $100,000 Daily Lottery - available to all players

The Truth about the Anti-Online Gambling Bill

As ever, the truth will out, all thanks to our trusty friend the internet:

Our guy, quite literally, in the field has some very good points. Sadly, the same can't be said for his dancing at the end.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Illegal Chimp Enforcement Act 2006

It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:

"The very existence of Mikey the Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."

"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:

"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all: Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."

"How you go about this is your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards spontaneous self-combustion without delay."

"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law. That's common sense talking, and you know it."

"You might very well still be engaged in heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."

"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"

There was a murmur of dissaproval from the (mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.

"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."

His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.

Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added

"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."

"online porno
will be unaffected by these changes."

There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.

The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.