Mikey Vs. Bill Filmaff - The Ultimate Head-to-Head

Illegal Chimp Enforcement Act 2006

It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:

"The very existence of Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."

"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:

"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all: Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."

"How you go about this is your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards spontaneous self-combustion without delay."

"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law. That's common sense talking, and you know it."

"You might very well still be engaged in heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."

"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"

There was a murmur of dissaproval from the (mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.

"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."

His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.

Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added

"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."

"online porno will be unaffected by these changes."

There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.

The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.

My New Favorite Game

Hi buddies (and assorted groupies),

I have a new favorite game. It's not a stunning new variation of poker, neither is it an exciting but obscure card game I discovered down the casino.

I call it 'Googlism'. And I've been playing it for hours.

Sad, you say? Well... maybe a little - but a guy's got to unwind somehow after hitting the tables hard over the weekend and losing the equivalent of the GDP of a small pacific country.

I need something to take my mind off it, know what I mean?

So I click here, and I type in my name, or the name of a friend... And lots of random stuff comes up - bit like consulting an oracle or a fortune-teller.

Here's some of the stuff I found out about myself playing Googlism:

Monkey is funky
Monkey is elected
monkey is handcuffed at a police station in tianjin
monkey is finally off his back
Monkey is a scorpio
Monkey is master of remote control
monkey is susceptible to plasmodium falciparum
monkey is resourceful and the real hero of the series
Monkey is elected mayor of hartlepool
monkey is found mainly in primary subtropical lowland broadleaf forest on steep limestone hills

It's amazing the stuff you don't even realise about yourself, y'know?

Please feel free to leave a comment telling me what you learnt about yourself playing the mighty game of Googlism

Mikey's Response to Journalist who 'Dissed' him

A while back, a hack called Kevin Stott wrote a bitchy article about me. Its witty title was 'Poker chimp makes a monkey out of the media at press conference.' Wish I'd thought of that.

See below for the highlights of Stott's brilliantly conceived piece, and my responses in green.

No, the chimp can't play poker.

Off to a bad start, Kevin – I’m not liking this already - haven’t you heard I do bad things to good people?

Despite my initial -- not primal -- instincts to avoid a press conference

Clever… I like it – ‘primal’ – monkey – geddit? No. Me neither.

I…got on the VIP list…to go see Mikey the Chimp "play" a chosen journalist in a hand of Texas Hold 'Em poker…at the Real World suite at the Palms.

Congratulations. You should be proud of yourself.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is a historic day in the history of poker," announced a representative from PopCulturePR, the firm handling the event for Pokershare.com. "I'd like to welcome Mikey." Let the BS begin.

By BS, you mean of course ‘brilliant stunt’. Thanks buddy.

And in comes the three-foot tall, 4-year-old hairy beast with owner and handler Judie Harrison… Pokershare.com invitees, PR people, models and others…quiet with anticipation, "Mikey's been training to learn to play poker for about four months now," Harrison told the crowd of about 60, all staring at the primate who seemed to wonder why all these strange people were looking at him and pointing items of various sizes in his direction to capture an image of him for their story.

Longest sentence ever, or what? Certainly gets my vote. I also really like how you tried to ‘explain’ a camera from the dumb old monkey’s point of view.

Listen, dude: I’m on the cover of the 4th best-selling album of 2005. In the world. And you think I don’t know what a frikkin' camera is?
After Mikey flailed his arms and ran with his hands over his head, as if overwhelmed by all the strange homosapiens looking at him, Harrison said, "He's itching to play."

Would that be ‘Homo Sapiens’ you mean? Awww… Never mind… You tried.

Professional poker player Marcel "The Flying Dutchman" Luske also had been wrangled into the three-ring circus…

Are you trying to imply that a monkey belongs in the circus? Well, sorry to disappoint you Stottie, but the peripatetic (you can look that one up) lifestyle is not the one for me. I’m way too attached to home/Olympic-size adventure playground back in good ol’ Maryland:

When a photographer asked for Mikey to move to the seat next to Luske for a better photo opportunity, Harrison felt the need to let Luske know to watch his private parts because little Mikey could get a little bit handsy. Mikey moved seats and immediately grabbed at Luske, proving the primate was still more at ease acting like an animal than like Phil Helmuth.

I really don’t know where to start with this one, Kev:

1) I was trying to psyche out my opponent. Duh…

2) The family jewels grab is a well-known and effective move in both poker and pro-wrestling.

3) I’m sorry if my ‘animal’-like behaviour offended your delicate sensibilities, Kevin. After all, it’s easy to forget that I’m a frikkin’ chimp!! What were you expecting, a monkey Prince Charles?

4) If you knew anything about poker, you’d know better than to suggest the Hellmuth as some kind of shining example for everyone to follow. That boy’s behaviour at the tables consistently puts my trademark ‘balls grab’ manoeuvre in the shade.

As I trekked out of the Palms…it suddenly hit me who the real 800-pound gorilla in the room really was. It was us. The media.

Don’t bring the rest of the media into this, Kevin. Or your weight problem, for that matter.

You just don’t like me, do you?

Jealous?

We all fell for it. The irony came from the fact that everyone involved the casino, the PR firm, Pokershare.com employees, the models, Mikey's owner and the poker pro -- was getting paid to do a story about a chimp who couldn't play poker, playing poker. Everyone but Mikey that is.

Ooooooh – the ‘moral’ at the end of Kevin Stott’s profound comment on the state of humanity (and monkeykind). Very deep. Just a couple of points though:

1) For your information Kev, I do get paid – in treats, booze, and whatever else I fancy. Including trips to Hooters. Jealous?

2) If I got paid in cash, what d’you think I’d do with it all? I’d just go and blow it on gambling, and stuff it into strippers’ thongs.

3) So, I hope you begin to see why it’s safer I get paid in kind. For all concerned.

4) To sum up then, I do bad things to good people.

5) Kevin – don’t worry – you are most definitely not a good person.

Mikey's take on WSOP Winner Jamie Gold

Mikey's been doing some muck-raking on WSOP winner Jamie Gold. Here he offers the results of his extensive research, plus his views on what the Goldster said when he won, and more...

Good evening. Mikey here.

So TV Producer, Hollywood Agent, and general over-achiever Jamie M. Gold got crowned chief monkey at this year’s WSOP.

Quite an achievement when you consider this year’s competition included Porn Star Ron Jeremy, the Hellmuth, Max Wright and the nymphomaniac Czech exchange student in ‘American Pie’.

Now I’ve been doing a little snooping, and I’ve discovered the following juicy Gold-en gossip:

Whilst most human children aspire to be firemen or Secretary of State when they grow up, James Marianne Gold knew he wanted to be a Showbiz agent from when he was 3½. The precocious New Joysian even set up his own Agency at elementary school, taking a well-deserved 20% cut from his classmates’ cookie sales, Hallowe’en candy, and lunch money in return for promoting their skills as child actors. He was granted early release from school for services to the entertainment industry, and was the first minor to be appointed to the board of a talent agency when he became the JMG Agency’s CEO at 13¾.

Gold’s life has not all been plain sailing, however. Oh no. Anyone who watched this year’s WSOP will know all too well that he is still battling an addiction which has split has family apart, and done irreparable damage to his short-term memory (not to mention his teeth). I speak of course of his 5 cup-a-day blueberry habit. This was at one stage reportedly so serious that, whilst a student at UCLA, his whole body actually turned purple.

So now you know, when you think of his memorable, witty quote

“I won because of the Blueberries”

This is the addiction speaking, not the Gold. Remember that kids. Fruit addiction is not clever. Neither is it cool, as James Marianne himself shows.

It had been reported that Gold promised he would throw the final table, losing deliberately to ‘avoid the burden of fame.’

Two small points, Jimmy(Or what ever your name is:)

1. You lied.

2. ‘The burden of fame’ ?????? ‘The BuRdEn of FaMe’ ??? Do my chimpy-ears deceive me??????????? What are you talking about? You had more play with the ladies in the five minutes directly after you won the WSOP than the rest of your life put together!!

And this you call a ‘burden’: Jamie Gold – may I be the first to say this:

You are a complete and utter Talent Agent.

And I don’t use these words lightly. Having said that, I know that Tony Soprano is one of your clients. I am scared of him. If Mr. Soprano is reading, I’d just like to point out, before he gets all Medieval on my multi-coloured monkey ass… I’d like to say this…

I challenge you, Gold. I challenge you, and I challenge your monkey Tony Soprano to a poker challenge – Hold ‘em old school - no rebuys, no limit… no mercy!

Are you man enough to take up a monkey’s challenge, or are you scared, blueberry boy?

Monkey News - Who? What? Wa?

The Good State of Washington Vs. Mikey the PokerShare.com Chimp

Yesterday, I reported as faithfully as I could a series of dramatic events. I was told to inform you that lovable rogue Mikey the Chimp had been arrested in a lightning sting operation at Walla Walla International Airport, WA. The unfortunate ape, I was told to say, had been locked up for online gambling crimes against humanity. Having refused a bail hearing, Mikey was due to serve a maximum sentence of 27 years. This was worked out as follows:

3 years for the heinous crime of playing poker over the internet;
6 years for online slot offences;
1 year for use of a roulette with intent to harm;
2 years for taking part in online bingo (Mikey has since denied this charge);
15 years for coordinating a campaign to befoul the cleanliness of Washington State's Casino Facilities.

So far, so plausible. Except... Except...

Newsletter Writer Left Out of Loop

Except for the fact that the information I was told to pass on (and did so in good faith) was filled with holes. I had been tricked. Lied to. To sum up, the story I recounted to you was a load of baloney.

Don't get me wrong: the details were true - a chimp was caught, shackled, and placed in a packed and sweaty cell in the online gambling wing of Washington State Prison; and the unfortunate primate in question will face such an extensive jail term that if he doesn't pops his clogs whilst still behind bars, well... let's just say he won't be in any shape to bother many more blonde strippers when he finally gets out.

The thing is... Mikey never left Las Vegas at all. Just last night, he was spotted out on the Strip, carousing with a notoriously tall Swedish beauty, and performing an impromptu karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Now that what I call class. But I digress...

Then Just who is Being Held in Washington State Jail?

The PokerShare.com Intelligence Office was clearly way ahead of Washington State's (if indeed they have one at all). The P.I.O. foresaw the possibility that Mikey might be arrested if he landed in Washington for his crimes against the state, so sent a body-double in Mikey's place.

Q: But why test this out now? A: Mikey is a showbiz animal, and gets what he wants, when he wants it. He had already expressed a burning desire to visit the state of Washington, because he was desperate to taste their highly-rated wines (particularly the Grenache). Also, he wanted to get his teeth into some of those sweet sweet Walla Walla onions (particularly the Corsicans).
In order to keep our high-maintenance monkey diva happy (and non-violent), we promised him a trip, once his idiot brother and lookalike Jeb had gone and tested the water (and the onions) there for him first.

Just as monkeys have been sacrificed in the name of science - brave animals who consented to starve to death in order to help some more evolved monkeys develop better rockets to fire into empty space, so Jeb sportingly made for us the ultimate sacrifice:

In order for Mikey to carry on carousing, getting rowdy, and, perhaps most importantly, playing poker, his inferior sibling had to end up in the Big House with the psychos and the perverts until he dies.

Jeb, if you are reading this - your brother Mikey sent the following message -

"Thanks broheim - you know I'd do the same for you... Still, it's nice to know I won't ever have to... You know?"

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey does bad things to good people, as Jeb knows only too well.

Monkey News - Mikey Distraught as WSOP Dreams Shattered

"Mikey will overcome this rejection into the WSOP 2006 and keep practising until another poker tournament picks him up. We will sponsor him in whatever tournament will accept him because we know a chimp can beat a chump."

PokerShare.com CEO

Jeffrey Pollack, Vice President of Harrah's Entertainment, has announced to the press that Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey will not be taking part in this year's Main Event.
Hearing this, Mikey's initial reaction was one of disappointment and sadness. With his PokerShare.com baseball cap pushed down firmly over his eyes, he asked quietly to be left alone in his personal dressing room. Once there, it is reported that he reflected upon their decision, took a moment to meditate, and then gorged himself on bananas until he was violently ill.

Mikey's Mother Also Upset

Mikey, the most intelligent primate this side of Poughkeepsie, has left an indelible and fragrant mark on the hearts and minds of America, with appearances on Good Morning America, Inside Edition, CBS, FOX News, and others too.
Thousands were rooting for him to enter the WSOP and earn the retirement money he requires to continue living with his trainer and mother, Judie Harrison. When Harrison heard the sad news last week, she broke down in tears, saying
"Mikey has been training for months and really had a shot at winning enough to live with me for the rest of his life. I can't believe they won't let him in. I take him everywhere and he is just like a human, and I am his mother: I am his everything."

Public Outrage at Chimp Rejection

Not only were Mikey and his Mom upset. Chimp-loving members of the public were also sent into a tailspin by the Man's monkey rebuttal. Numerous poker professionals were also aghast, saying they had been very much looking forward to challenging Mikey to a game of cards. One Ultimate Bet pro poker player was quoted as saying

"If PokerShare.com was willing to put up ten thousand dollars for Mikey's seat in the WSOP, Mikey should have had just as much right to play as anyone else. I am outraged,"

Pro player Marcel Luske ('the Flying Dutchman') enjoyed playing against Mikey at a press conference organized by PokerShare.com, saying

"Mikey played quite a few good hands. After looking at his cards, he knew he didn't want to bet because he had a bad hand. He was more well behaved that a lot of other monkeys I've played against at these tournaments."

Mikey II - The Revenge of Mikey

PokerShare.com is standing firm in its support for the incredible chimp, as he tries to find a more open-minded tournament that will allow him to play. With the rapturous support Mikey has received so far, the odds are that tournament executives elsewhere will go all in for this poker-playing enigma.
To show our solidarity with the unfortunate ape, we are going so far as to make him the new face of PokerShare.com.
That's right - in his continuing mission to be taken seriously as a hardened, cunning poker shark, Mikey just got massive. He'll even be appearing in an exclusive blog, where he's gonna dish the dirt on the high life, the honeez, and of course, the Hellmuth.
When asked to comment on these developments, Mikey replied simply "I do bad things to good people."

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.

Ooo I got what it takes

Leavin’ on a Jet Plane

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey packs his bags and leaves his Maryland home (on a jet plane.) He don’t know when he’ll be back again, and frankly, he don’t much care:

After all, he’s going to Vegas, baby. Yeah… Let the good times roll…

Bigger than Trump, Murdoch and Martha Stewart combined

Mikey’s onslaught on the world’s media has begun:
He's going to be a great big shining star. Oh yah.

Remember my Name

Being the proud owner of opposable big toes, adjusting to the limelight has been easy for Mikey: Incredibly, he is actually able to sign four autographs simultaneously.

Celebrities would kill for these skills.

You ain’t seen the best of me yet

Mikey would like to take this opportunity to apologize both to his fans and supporters, humans and primates, as his performance on Good Morning America was clearly not up to the high standard of poker he usually sets himself. We would like to offer the following explanation on his behalf:

Earlier that day, our hairy friend’s strict poker regime was rudely interrupted by Bertha, an orang-utan, challenging him to a game of Omaha Hi-Lo.

Whilst Mikey is principally a Hold ‘em-trained ape, he never can turn down a challenge from bigger, uglier primates (Phil Hellmuth Jr. being a case in point.)

Bertha busted him out of a wad of cash (including his stash from the Black-Eyed Peas gig he did – read more about this here.) Having bottled up his frustration for hours, and having lost his bankroll to a primate that looks like an extra from “Space Odyssey”, Mikey went on tilt.
Unfortunately for him, this happened in front of the cameras, with the eyes and hopes of a nation on him.

I got more in me and you can set it free

In conclusion, we offer the following explanations for Mikey’s below-par poker (on this occasion):

(a) The Bertha thing, obviously. Who, if they’re being totally honest, has never had this happen to them?

(b) Seeing the Good Morning America Presenter dealing cards with a flagrant disregard for the rules of any game of poker known to man (or monkey).

Give me time I’ll make you forget the rest

Finally, on behalf of the chimp himself, we’d like to say the following…

Your continued support for Mikey’s trail-blazing journey to the World Series of Poker is appreciated.