It is our sad duty to report that the
Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey
illegal. The Senator explained:
"The very existence of Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in
online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."
"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:
"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all:
Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."
"How you go about this is
your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards
spontaneous self-combustion without delay."
"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law.
That's common sense talking, and you know it."
"You might very well still be engaged in
heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."
"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"
There was a murmur of dissaproval from the
(mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.
"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."
His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.
Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added
"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."
"online porno will be unaffected by these changes."
There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.
The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.
Scratch 'n' sniff, folks: who needs online poker when you have scratch card poker! Fun fun fun!
It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:
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