WSOP Champion Jamie Gold Gets Sued

News Just In

WSOP monkey champion Jamie M. Gold is being sued for half his $12 million prize. Jamie got within inches of massive wealth, and was just about to jack in his job too, but now the briefcase full of cash is under lock and key again at the Rio. Jamie won't see a dime of his prize until this baloney lawsuit is thrown out.

The World Series of Poker may have refused Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey permission to play in the WSOP Main Event, but that doesn't mean he's so bitter and twisted he doesn't know a blatantly phoney publicity stunt when he sees one.

"This kind of thing just makes me sick" said the PokerShare.com Chimp earlier today.

"I'm totally shocked the depths that some humans will stoop to, and for what? A bit of cheap marketing? A few bucks? I tell you, you'd never catch me and my buddies at PokerShare.com doing anything as low as this."

Speaking to his adoring public this morning, Mikey reiterated his total support for the WSOP winner, and soon to be bankrupt Gold. Ever since this messy lawsuit thing started, Mikey's trainer has had to make absolutely sure no-one mentions Bruce Crispin Leyser around him: whenever Mikey hears the name of the guy who's suing Jamie Gold for his hard-earned poker millions, he jumps up and down violently and throws stuff around.

In order to help Jamie feel better during what must be a very difficult time, Mikey has suggested they both get back to what they know and love best. Not blonde models, in this case -

"How about a Head-to-Head Hold 'em Tourney old school, head to head - no rebuys, no limit... old school, Jamie... the way it was supposed to be played."

Mikey has also issued a challenge to poker tournaments worldwide:

"Your decision to ban ape and monkey players is unconstitutional. In addition, it's a real drag for me and my chimp buddies. I'll say it again: Let me play... Or the Hellmuth gets it..."

Mikey's take on WSOP Winner Jamie Gold

Mikey's been doing some muck-raking on WSOP winner Jamie Gold. Here he offers the results of his extensive research, plus his views on what the Goldster said when he won, and more...

Good evening. Mikey here.

So TV Producer, Hollywood Agent, and general over-achiever Jamie M. Gold got crowned chief monkey at this year’s WSOP.

Quite an achievement when you consider this year’s competition included Porn Star Ron Jeremy, the Hellmuth, Max Wright and the nymphomaniac Czech exchange student in ‘American Pie’.

Now I’ve been doing a little snooping, and I’ve discovered the following juicy Gold-en gossip:

Whilst most human children aspire to be firemen or Secretary of State when they grow up, James Marianne Gold knew he wanted to be a Showbiz agent from when he was 3½. The precocious New Joysian even set up his own Agency at elementary school, taking a well-deserved 20% cut from his classmates’ cookie sales, Hallowe’en candy, and lunch money in return for promoting their skills as child actors. He was granted early release from school for services to the entertainment industry, and was the first minor to be appointed to the board of a talent agency when he became the JMG Agency’s CEO at 13¾.

Gold’s life has not all been plain sailing, however. Oh no. Anyone who watched this year’s WSOP will know all too well that he is still battling an addiction which has split has family apart, and done irreparable damage to his short-term memory (not to mention his teeth). I speak of course of his 5 cup-a-day blueberry habit. This was at one stage reportedly so serious that, whilst a student at UCLA, his whole body actually turned purple.

So now you know, when you think of his memorable, witty quote

“I won because of the Blueberries”

This is the addiction speaking, not the Gold. Remember that kids. Fruit addiction is not clever. Neither is it cool, as James Marianne himself shows.

It had been reported that Gold promised he would throw the final table, losing deliberately to ‘avoid the burden of fame.’

Two small points, Jimmy(Or what ever your name is:)

1. You lied.

2. ‘The burden of fame’ ?????? ‘The BuRdEn of FaMe’ ??? Do my chimpy-ears deceive me??????????? What are you talking about? You had more play with the ladies in the five minutes directly after you won the WSOP than the rest of your life put together!!

And this you call a ‘burden’: Jamie Gold – may I be the first to say this:

You are a complete and utter Talent Agent.

And I don’t use these words lightly. Having said that, I know that Tony Soprano is one of your clients. I am scared of him. If Mr. Soprano is reading, I’d just like to point out, before he gets all Medieval on my multi-coloured monkey ass… I’d like to say this…

I challenge you, Gold. I challenge you, and I challenge your monkey Tony Soprano to a poker challenge – Hold ‘em old school - no rebuys, no limit… no mercy!

Are you man enough to take up a monkey’s challenge, or are you scared, blueberry boy?