Exclusive - The Black-Eyed Peas' Fergie and me - our Secret Past Revealed

I taught her everything she knows

And not just about poker either.

Still, you won't find jokes about how fitting it is she should make the cover of 'TopPair' magazine here. I am a perfect gentleman, and never lapse into vulgar jokes about former lady friends.

She was a double-A when I knew her, anyway.

We met at the Coney Island Sideshow school in the Summer of 2004. She was taking break dance and rap, I took poy, knife-throwing and tap.

Although she was instantly attracted to me, I won't say it was immediately reciprocal. I couldn't get over her physical shortcomings, and found her constant nattering about how she was going to make it big in the rap scene ultimately a little tiresome.

Of course, now I regret my inability to see past these superficial shortcomings, especially when I taught her everything she knows about poker, and now she gives me absolutely no credit.

It hurts, I can tell you. Especially with all the albums we worked together on:

I hear she has a new boyfriend now: apparently he's really 'hot', and cool, and human.

Well... I can't compete with him in the human stakes - But I tell you this:

Whoever he is, I'll take him down on the tables, one on one. I'll take him down. Right down - No time at all.

Then Fergie and I can recommence making sweet sweet music together.

That'll be sweet.

A Star is Born

Show me the Monkey

Following an intensive spell of poker training, nightly home games, and repeated watching of the film ‘Rounders’, Mikey is ready.

Ready for his entry to the main event of the WSOP, where he’s gonna psyche out his less evolved opponents.

Ready for fame, fans, and yes… even groupies.

Ready to eat some of the finest bananas known to humanity.

The Rumours are True

PokerShare.com is taking both online poker and primate research to new heights…

We are entering Mikey the Chimp to the $10k Main Event at the World Series of Poker. As the first primate competitor at the WSOP, there is a lot of expectation surrounding Mikey. A great deal rests on shoulders – not least the hopes and dreams of the entire ape community.

Luckily, Mikey’s shoulders are not just incredibly hairy, but also broad.

Whatever you fling at him, he can deal with.

But if you trash talk monkey poker players, he might just fling something back at you.

Important Scientific Research

Research into the ability of monkeys to ape human language has produced mixed results: from Washoe, who has mastered over 800 words in American Sign Language, to Nim Chimpsky (now deceased) who managed only 125 (example phrase: “Me Nim eat me”).

However, experiments regarding the gaming skills of monkeys are extremely limited:

We know, for example, that Kanzi (who has the spoken language skills of a 2½ year old human) enjoys a game of Ms. Pacman, but it would seem that his researchers have yet to introduce him to poker.

His sister Panbanisha on the other hand, also a resident of the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, “has a very high level of interest in creating musical constructions at the keyboard.”

Likewise, Mikey’s glittering career in the music industry has already seen him make the cover of a Black-Eyed Peas album - what a lucrative gig that was. Mikey isn't even a fan of the band, but like he says himself, "you’ve got to feed the monkey, right?"

Both PokerShare and Mikey hope to raise the profile of the Campaign for Equal Rights of Monkeys Worldwide, and to discover whether our thesis is correct, that

“A chimp is capable of playing poker at least as well as Phil Hellmuth Jr., if not better.”