Mikey's Response to Journalist who 'Dissed' him

A while back, a hack called Kevin Stott wrote a bitchy article about me. Its witty title was 'Poker chimp makes a monkey out of the media at press conference.' Wish I'd thought of that.

See below for the highlights of Stott's brilliantly conceived piece, and my responses in green.

No, the chimp can't play poker.

Off to a bad start, Kevin – I’m not liking this already - haven’t you heard I do bad things to good people?

Despite my initial -- not primal -- instincts to avoid a press conference

Clever… I like it – ‘primal’ – monkey – geddit? No. Me neither.

I…got on the VIP list…to go see Mikey the Chimp "play" a chosen journalist in a hand of Texas Hold 'Em poker…at the Real World suite at the Palms.

Congratulations. You should be proud of yourself.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is a historic day in the history of poker," announced a representative from PopCulturePR, the firm handling the event for Pokershare.com. "I'd like to welcome Mikey." Let the BS begin.

By BS, you mean of course ‘brilliant stunt’. Thanks buddy.

And in comes the three-foot tall, 4-year-old hairy beast with owner and handler Judie Harrison… Pokershare.com invitees, PR people, models and others…quiet with anticipation, "Mikey's been training to learn to play poker for about four months now," Harrison told the crowd of about 60, all staring at the primate who seemed to wonder why all these strange people were looking at him and pointing items of various sizes in his direction to capture an image of him for their story.

Longest sentence ever, or what? Certainly gets my vote. I also really like how you tried to ‘explain’ a camera from the dumb old monkey’s point of view.

Listen, dude: I’m on the cover of the 4th best-selling album of 2005. In the world. And you think I don’t know what a frikkin' camera is?
After Mikey flailed his arms and ran with his hands over his head, as if overwhelmed by all the strange homosapiens looking at him, Harrison said, "He's itching to play."

Would that be ‘Homo Sapiens’ you mean? Awww… Never mind… You tried.

Professional poker player Marcel "The Flying Dutchman" Luske also had been wrangled into the three-ring circus…

Are you trying to imply that a monkey belongs in the circus? Well, sorry to disappoint you Stottie, but the peripatetic (you can look that one up) lifestyle is not the one for me. I’m way too attached to home/Olympic-size adventure playground back in good ol’ Maryland:

When a photographer asked for Mikey to move to the seat next to Luske for a better photo opportunity, Harrison felt the need to let Luske know to watch his private parts because little Mikey could get a little bit handsy. Mikey moved seats and immediately grabbed at Luske, proving the primate was still more at ease acting like an animal than like Phil Helmuth.

I really don’t know where to start with this one, Kev:

1) I was trying to psyche out my opponent. Duh…

2) The family jewels grab is a well-known and effective move in both poker and pro-wrestling.

3) I’m sorry if my ‘animal’-like behaviour offended your delicate sensibilities, Kevin. After all, it’s easy to forget that I’m a frikkin’ chimp!! What were you expecting, a monkey Prince Charles?

4) If you knew anything about poker, you’d know better than to suggest the Hellmuth as some kind of shining example for everyone to follow. That boy’s behaviour at the tables consistently puts my trademark ‘balls grab’ manoeuvre in the shade.

As I trekked out of the Palms…it suddenly hit me who the real 800-pound gorilla in the room really was. It was us. The media.

Don’t bring the rest of the media into this, Kevin. Or your weight problem, for that matter.

You just don’t like me, do you?

Jealous?

We all fell for it. The irony came from the fact that everyone involved the casino, the PR firm, Pokershare.com employees, the models, Mikey's owner and the poker pro -- was getting paid to do a story about a chimp who couldn't play poker, playing poker. Everyone but Mikey that is.

Ooooooh – the ‘moral’ at the end of Kevin Stott’s profound comment on the state of humanity (and monkeykind). Very deep. Just a couple of points though:

1) For your information Kev, I do get paid – in treats, booze, and whatever else I fancy. Including trips to Hooters. Jealous?

2) If I got paid in cash, what d’you think I’d do with it all? I’d just go and blow it on gambling, and stuff it into strippers’ thongs.

3) So, I hope you begin to see why it’s safer I get paid in kind. For all concerned.

4) To sum up then, I do bad things to good people.

5) Kevin – don’t worry – you are most definitely not a good person.

WSOP Champion Jamie Gold Gets Sued

News Just In

WSOP monkey champion Jamie M. Gold is being sued for half his $12 million prize. Jamie got within inches of massive wealth, and was just about to jack in his job too, but now the briefcase full of cash is under lock and key again at the Rio. Jamie won't see a dime of his prize until this baloney lawsuit is thrown out.

The World Series of Poker may have refused Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey permission to play in the WSOP Main Event, but that doesn't mean he's so bitter and twisted he doesn't know a blatantly phoney publicity stunt when he sees one.

"This kind of thing just makes me sick" said the PokerShare.com Chimp earlier today.

"I'm totally shocked the depths that some humans will stoop to, and for what? A bit of cheap marketing? A few bucks? I tell you, you'd never catch me and my buddies at PokerShare.com doing anything as low as this."

Speaking to his adoring public this morning, Mikey reiterated his total support for the WSOP winner, and soon to be bankrupt Gold. Ever since this messy lawsuit thing started, Mikey's trainer has had to make absolutely sure no-one mentions Bruce Crispin Leyser around him: whenever Mikey hears the name of the guy who's suing Jamie Gold for his hard-earned poker millions, he jumps up and down violently and throws stuff around.

In order to help Jamie feel better during what must be a very difficult time, Mikey has suggested they both get back to what they know and love best. Not blonde models, in this case -

"How about a Head-to-Head Hold 'em Tourney old school, head to head - no rebuys, no limit... old school, Jamie... the way it was supposed to be played."

Mikey has also issued a challenge to poker tournaments worldwide:

"Your decision to ban ape and monkey players is unconstitutional. In addition, it's a real drag for me and my chimp buddies. I'll say it again: Let me play... Or the Hellmuth gets it..."

Mikey's take on WSOP Winner Jamie Gold

Mikey's been doing some muck-raking on WSOP winner Jamie Gold. Here he offers the results of his extensive research, plus his views on what the Goldster said when he won, and more...

Good evening. Mikey here.

So TV Producer, Hollywood Agent, and general over-achiever Jamie M. Gold got crowned chief monkey at this year’s WSOP.

Quite an achievement when you consider this year’s competition included Porn Star Ron Jeremy, the Hellmuth, Max Wright and the nymphomaniac Czech exchange student in ‘American Pie’.

Now I’ve been doing a little snooping, and I’ve discovered the following juicy Gold-en gossip:

Whilst most human children aspire to be firemen or Secretary of State when they grow up, James Marianne Gold knew he wanted to be a Showbiz agent from when he was 3½. The precocious New Joysian even set up his own Agency at elementary school, taking a well-deserved 20% cut from his classmates’ cookie sales, Hallowe’en candy, and lunch money in return for promoting their skills as child actors. He was granted early release from school for services to the entertainment industry, and was the first minor to be appointed to the board of a talent agency when he became the JMG Agency’s CEO at 13¾.

Gold’s life has not all been plain sailing, however. Oh no. Anyone who watched this year’s WSOP will know all too well that he is still battling an addiction which has split has family apart, and done irreparable damage to his short-term memory (not to mention his teeth). I speak of course of his 5 cup-a-day blueberry habit. This was at one stage reportedly so serious that, whilst a student at UCLA, his whole body actually turned purple.

So now you know, when you think of his memorable, witty quote

“I won because of the Blueberries”

This is the addiction speaking, not the Gold. Remember that kids. Fruit addiction is not clever. Neither is it cool, as James Marianne himself shows.

It had been reported that Gold promised he would throw the final table, losing deliberately to ‘avoid the burden of fame.’

Two small points, Jimmy(Or what ever your name is:)

1. You lied.

2. ‘The burden of fame’ ?????? ‘The BuRdEn of FaMe’ ??? Do my chimpy-ears deceive me??????????? What are you talking about? You had more play with the ladies in the five minutes directly after you won the WSOP than the rest of your life put together!!

And this you call a ‘burden’: Jamie Gold – may I be the first to say this:

You are a complete and utter Talent Agent.

And I don’t use these words lightly. Having said that, I know that Tony Soprano is one of your clients. I am scared of him. If Mr. Soprano is reading, I’d just like to point out, before he gets all Medieval on my multi-coloured monkey ass… I’d like to say this…

I challenge you, Gold. I challenge you, and I challenge your monkey Tony Soprano to a poker challenge – Hold ‘em old school - no rebuys, no limit… no mercy!

Are you man enough to take up a monkey’s challenge, or are you scared, blueberry boy?

'Ain't Misbehavin' - Me on WBAL-TV 11

This TV station made me share a dressing room, and their catering was well below par, so I decided to get my revenge. On air. Live.

You see what happens when you mess with the Mikey?

Monkey News - Who? What? Wa?

The Good State of Washington Vs. Mikey the PokerShare.com Chimp

Yesterday, I reported as faithfully as I could a series of dramatic events. I was told to inform you that lovable rogue Mikey the Chimp had been arrested in a lightning sting operation at Walla Walla International Airport, WA. The unfortunate ape, I was told to say, had been locked up for online gambling crimes against humanity. Having refused a bail hearing, Mikey was due to serve a maximum sentence of 27 years. This was worked out as follows:

3 years for the heinous crime of playing poker over the internet;
6 years for online slot offences;
1 year for use of a roulette with intent to harm;
2 years for taking part in online bingo (Mikey has since denied this charge);
15 years for coordinating a campaign to befoul the cleanliness of Washington State's Casino Facilities.

So far, so plausible. Except... Except...

Newsletter Writer Left Out of Loop

Except for the fact that the information I was told to pass on (and did so in good faith) was filled with holes. I had been tricked. Lied to. To sum up, the story I recounted to you was a load of baloney.

Don't get me wrong: the details were true - a chimp was caught, shackled, and placed in a packed and sweaty cell in the online gambling wing of Washington State Prison; and the unfortunate primate in question will face such an extensive jail term that if he doesn't pops his clogs whilst still behind bars, well... let's just say he won't be in any shape to bother many more blonde strippers when he finally gets out.

The thing is... Mikey never left Las Vegas at all. Just last night, he was spotted out on the Strip, carousing with a notoriously tall Swedish beauty, and performing an impromptu karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Now that what I call class. But I digress...

Then Just who is Being Held in Washington State Jail?

The PokerShare.com Intelligence Office was clearly way ahead of Washington State's (if indeed they have one at all). The P.I.O. foresaw the possibility that Mikey might be arrested if he landed in Washington for his crimes against the state, so sent a body-double in Mikey's place.

Q: But why test this out now? A: Mikey is a showbiz animal, and gets what he wants, when he wants it. He had already expressed a burning desire to visit the state of Washington, because he was desperate to taste their highly-rated wines (particularly the Grenache). Also, he wanted to get his teeth into some of those sweet sweet Walla Walla onions (particularly the Corsicans).
In order to keep our high-maintenance monkey diva happy (and non-violent), we promised him a trip, once his idiot brother and lookalike Jeb had gone and tested the water (and the onions) there for him first.

Just as monkeys have been sacrificed in the name of science - brave animals who consented to starve to death in order to help some more evolved monkeys develop better rockets to fire into empty space, so Jeb sportingly made for us the ultimate sacrifice:

In order for Mikey to carry on carousing, getting rowdy, and, perhaps most importantly, playing poker, his inferior sibling had to end up in the Big House with the psychos and the perverts until he dies.

Jeb, if you are reading this - your brother Mikey sent the following message -

"Thanks broheim - you know I'd do the same for you... Still, it's nice to know I won't ever have to... You know?"

Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey does bad things to good people, as Jeb knows only too well.

Monkey News - Mikey gets Arrested

Dramatic Mikey Development
Walla Walla Airport Runway, WA, 05:37 Hours local time

In the early hours of this morning, Mikey the PokerShare.com chimp landed at Walla Walla International Airport, WA.
He had landed his private jet in order to fill up on fuel, local wines and to check out the the world-famous Walla Walla Sweet Onion he had heard so much about. He hoped to take his mind off the recent harrowing events which had seen his poker career torn to pieces.
Stepping off the plane into the clear and unpolluted Washington dawn, he took a deep breath: the shame and ridicule that had accompanied his recent ban from competing in the WSOP seemed distant at last... almost forgotten.
For the first time in days, he felt a genuine sense of joy, and even release from his Vegas-sized pit of gloom. Then and there, he decided to celebrate by jumping up and down repeatedly on the spot, and singing to himself.

High Drama
Walla Walla Airport Cafeteria, WA, 05:46 Hours local time

Mikey calmly perused the vast selection of wines and sweet Corsican onions available from the surprisingly well-stocked airport café. He was particularly taken by a fine-looking Grenache made at the Animale Winery, Yakima Valley.

"My Owner (and mom) is always saying how much she loves the Grenache grape. Maybe if I buy her a case, she'll love me again, and we can carry on our relationship as if Vegas never happened".

His reverie was rudely interrupted as Mikey saw his co-pilot Liam running towards the pre-fabricated structure of the café, his arms flailing, screaming unintelligibly.

"Shouldn't have had that inflight chicken" said Mikey to himself "should've stuck to the liquor like me."

The chimp was then slightly alarmed to see Liam drop, a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his now-partly-exposed ass.

"It's the Feds." said Mikey to the check out girl, laying down a wad of bills, and grabbing a box of wine and as many onions as his little hands (and feet) could carry.

Captured
Walla Walla Airport Ladies Washroom, WA, 15:41 Hours local time

Mikey was discovered, chained and arrested a full ten hours later, hiding in the disabled cubicle of the Walla Walla Airport Ladies Toilet.
State officials were only alerted to his whereabouts after, having subsided on wine and onions for several hours, an unnamed member of the public reported an unusually noxious stench emerging from the facilities.

Crimes Against Luxurious State Gambling Facilities

Washington State Penitentiary, Online Gambling Wing, 19:57 Hours local time

It is reported that Mikey has been incarcerated on the following counts:

1) Promoting Online Gambling
2) Online Gambling
3) Attempting to pilot a plane whilst not being a member of the human race
4) Previous count of defacing Washington State Gambling Facilities in 2003.

Mikey can't remember number 4, but apparently there are plenty of witnesses.

He faces a possible sentence of 27 years, which would mean he may spend the rest of his life behind bars.
The unfortunate ape has waived his right to a bail hearing (and thereby, allegedly, a fair trial) and will remain in the Washington State Prison's Online Gambling Wing, where former poker and casino players share cells, dining areas, and even showers with an array of violent psychopaths and pederasts.

PokerShare.com Stands Firmly Behind Chimp
Sorry, no pun intended, Mikey.

Everyone at PokerShare.com would like to offer their full support to Mikey, and to assure him that his new job as the face of both PokerShare and CasinoShare.com is not threatened by these developments.

So... Just to reiterate this: Mikey will not be fired.
And we support him wholeheartedly. That's right.

We are currently doing everything we can to get him out of jail, and back to his Owner and Mom, who has been worried sick and has already started sending him a multitude of food parcels.
When asked for comment on Washington State Prison TV, all Mikey had to say was the following:

"What a week."

Monkey News - Mikey Distraught as WSOP Dreams Shattered

"Mikey will overcome this rejection into the WSOP 2006 and keep practising until another poker tournament picks him up. We will sponsor him in whatever tournament will accept him because we know a chimp can beat a chump."

PokerShare.com CEO

Jeffrey Pollack, Vice President of Harrah's Entertainment, has announced to the press that Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey will not be taking part in this year's Main Event.
Hearing this, Mikey's initial reaction was one of disappointment and sadness. With his PokerShare.com baseball cap pushed down firmly over his eyes, he asked quietly to be left alone in his personal dressing room. Once there, it is reported that he reflected upon their decision, took a moment to meditate, and then gorged himself on bananas until he was violently ill.

Mikey's Mother Also Upset

Mikey, the most intelligent primate this side of Poughkeepsie, has left an indelible and fragrant mark on the hearts and minds of America, with appearances on Good Morning America, Inside Edition, CBS, FOX News, and others too.
Thousands were rooting for him to enter the WSOP and earn the retirement money he requires to continue living with his trainer and mother, Judie Harrison. When Harrison heard the sad news last week, she broke down in tears, saying
"Mikey has been training for months and really had a shot at winning enough to live with me for the rest of his life. I can't believe they won't let him in. I take him everywhere and he is just like a human, and I am his mother: I am his everything."

Public Outrage at Chimp Rejection

Not only were Mikey and his Mom upset. Chimp-loving members of the public were also sent into a tailspin by the Man's monkey rebuttal. Numerous poker professionals were also aghast, saying they had been very much looking forward to challenging Mikey to a game of cards. One Ultimate Bet pro poker player was quoted as saying

"If PokerShare.com was willing to put up ten thousand dollars for Mikey's seat in the WSOP, Mikey should have had just as much right to play as anyone else. I am outraged,"

Pro player Marcel Luske ('the Flying Dutchman') enjoyed playing against Mikey at a press conference organized by PokerShare.com, saying

"Mikey played quite a few good hands. After looking at his cards, he knew he didn't want to bet because he had a bad hand. He was more well behaved that a lot of other monkeys I've played against at these tournaments."

Mikey II - The Revenge of Mikey

PokerShare.com is standing firm in its support for the incredible chimp, as he tries to find a more open-minded tournament that will allow him to play. With the rapturous support Mikey has received so far, the odds are that tournament executives elsewhere will go all in for this poker-playing enigma.
To show our solidarity with the unfortunate ape, we are going so far as to make him the new face of PokerShare.com.
That's right - in his continuing mission to be taken seriously as a hardened, cunning poker shark, Mikey just got massive. He'll even be appearing in an exclusive blog, where he's gonna dish the dirt on the high life, the honeez, and of course, the Hellmuth.
When asked to comment on these developments, Mikey replied simply "I do bad things to good people."

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid.