The Truth about the Anti-Online Gambling Bill

As ever, the truth will out, all thanks to our trusty friend the internet:



Our guy, quite literally, in the field has some very good points. Sadly, the same can't be said for his dancing at the end.

Illegal Chimp Enforcement Act 2006

It is our sad duty to report that the Unlawful Chimp Enforcement Act, passed by the US senate just a few days ago, has rendered Mikey the Monkey illegal. The Senator explained:

"The very existence of Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey is now in direct contravention of US law. I would advise Mikey, and any other primates who engage in online crimes against humanity to desist from all computer use at once, and seek gainful employment at the South Nevada Zoo. From there, we will organise regular primate bus trips to the the Strip for all your gambling needs."

"You know it makes sense", added the Honorable Senator.
Online chimps who, for whatever reason, chose not to follow the Senator's sage advice and continued to commit the crime of engaging in games of chance via information super highway, faced a stark choice:

"Should you not wish to wind up in a pound-me-in-ass Online Gambling Prison, I would strongly recommend the following to all: Disappear. Combust yourself. Vanish immediately."

"How you go about this is your concern. However, in order to ensure that you do not risk further infringement of the US legal system, you must take the necessary steps towards spontaneous self-combustion without delay."

"Consult a professional magician. He will give all the advice you need to stay on the right side of the law. That's common sense talking, and you know it."

"You might very well still be engaged in heinous internet-related crimes, but at least if David Copperfield covers you in a sheet, we won't see you at it."

"Best of all, us folk of high moral fiber can go about our business as if this whole wicked world wide web thing never happened!"

There was a murmur of dissaproval from the (mostly male, non-chimp, unevolved) crowd. The Honorable Senator exchanged a few nervous whispers with his advisors.

"Err... Please don't panic. There's really no reason to be upset..."

His words had no effect - the rabble was growing increasingly rowdy, as they started to throw their now-useless Online Gambling Stock receipts at the Senator.

Cue some more hurried advice from the Senator's aides. Then, backtracking faster than a politician caught sending inappropriate emails to teenage male work colleagues, he added

"Please, please... Allow me to finish - What I meant to say, dear internet aficionados, was this..."

"online porno will be unaffected by these changes."

There was a collective sigh of relief, and spontaneous cheers and manly whooping rippled through the crowd.

The throng began to file out, relieved. Relaxed. Sweaty, but satisfied.

Mikey Speaks - His Response to Recent Press Criticism

You can check out Mikey's latest spoken post, this time responding to recent highly negative coverage he's been getting in the press, right here. This, as you can see, was recorded at his island retreat/rehab centre. As you can also see (and hear), he is making only limited progress. Ah well.

Mikey See, Mikey Do Extended Vacation

Mikey has taken a well-earned vacation to rest his weary monkey bones.

Which is to say he's in rehab.

More fun with Mikey once he is cured and returns to entertain you some more.

Exclusive - The Black-Eyed Peas' Fergie and me - our Secret Past Revealed

I taught her everything she knows

And not just about poker either.

Still, you won't find jokes about how fitting it is she should make the cover of 'TopPair' magazine here. I am a perfect gentleman, and never lapse into vulgar jokes about former lady friends.

She was a double-A when I knew her, anyway.

We met at the Coney Island Sideshow school in the Summer of 2004. She was taking break dance and rap, I took poy, knife-throwing and tap.

Although she was instantly attracted to me, I won't say it was immediately reciprocal. I couldn't get over her physical shortcomings, and found her constant nattering about how she was going to make it big in the rap scene ultimately a little tiresome.

Of course, now I regret my inability to see past these superficial shortcomings, especially when I taught her everything she knows about poker, and now she gives me absolutely no credit.

It hurts, I can tell you. Especially with all the albums we worked together on:

I hear she has a new boyfriend now: apparently he's really 'hot', and cool, and human.

Well... I can't compete with him in the human stakes - But I tell you this:

Whoever he is, I'll take him down on the tables, one on one. I'll take him down. Right down - No time at all.

Then Fergie and I can recommence making sweet sweet music together.

That'll be sweet.

My New Favorite Game

Hi buddies (and assorted groupies),

I have a new favorite game. It's not a stunning new variation of poker, neither is it an exciting but obscure card game I discovered down the casino.

I call it 'Googlism'. And I've been playing it for hours.

Sad, you say? Well... maybe a little - but a guy's got to unwind somehow after hitting the tables hard over the weekend and losing the equivalent of the GDP of a small pacific country.

I need something to take my mind off it, know what I mean?

So I click here, and I type in my name, or the name of a friend... And lots of random stuff comes up - bit like consulting an oracle or a fortune-teller.

Here's some of the stuff I found out about myself playing Googlism:

Monkey is funky
Monkey is elected
monkey is handcuffed at a police station in tianjin
monkey is finally off his back
Monkey is a scorpio
Monkey is master of remote control
monkey is susceptible to plasmodium falciparum
monkey is resourceful and the real hero of the series
Monkey is elected mayor of hartlepool
monkey is found mainly in primary subtropical lowland broadleaf forest on steep limestone hills

It's amazing the stuff you don't even realise about yourself, y'know?

Please feel free to leave a comment telling me what you learnt about yourself playing the mighty game of Googlism

Article on Mikey the Monkey in Poker Player Magazine

PokerShare's Chimp

Cheap publicity? Go for it, just don't try and cheapen the biggest and best poker tournament ever.

'We think any chump can win the Main Event,' said PokerShare.com, as they tried to enter a chimp into the Big One.

A horribly, horribly misguided press release. Oh, and he can't play poker. He can eat sweets, blow raspberries and beat the poker table like the feral beast he is. And he was never entered into the Main Event as confirmed by the WSOP's Jeffrey Pollock: 'There has been no chimp entered in the Main Event and nor will there be'.

Reading this article upset me a great deal. I had to drink some scotch and lie down for a while.

Still - if their spelling of Jeffrey Pollack's name is anything to go by, CNN has nothing to fear from the journalistic standards presented in their popular newspaper.