The Good State of Washington Vs. Mikey the PokerShare.com ChimpYesterday, I reported as faithfully as I could a series of dramatic events. I was told to inform you that lovable rogue Mikey the Chimp had been arrested in a lightning sting operation at Walla Walla International Airport, WA. The unfortunate ape, I was told to say, had been locked up for online gambling crimes against humanity. Having refused a bail hearing, Mikey was due to serve a maximum sentence of 27 years. This was worked out as follows:
3 years for the heinous crime of playing poker over the internet;
6 years for online slot offences;
1 year for use of a roulette with intent to harm;
2 years for taking part in online bingo (Mikey has since denied this charge);
15 years for coordinating a campaign to befoul the cleanliness of Washington State's Casino Facilities.
So far, so plausible. Except... Except...
Newsletter Writer Left Out of Loop
Except for the fact that the information I was told to pass on (and did so in good faith) was filled with holes. I had been tricked. Lied to. To sum up, the story I recounted to you was a load of baloney.
Don't get me wrong: the details were true - a chimp was caught, shackled, and placed in a packed and sweaty cell in the online gambling wing of Washington State Prison; and the unfortunate primate in question will face such an extensive jail term that if he doesn't pops his clogs whilst still behind bars, well... let's just say he won't be in any shape to bother many more blonde strippers when he finally gets out.
The thing is... Mikey never left Las Vegas at all. Just last night, he was spotted out on the Strip, carousing with a notoriously tall Swedish beauty, and performing an impromptu karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Now that what I call class. But I digress...
Then Just who is Being Held in Washington State Jail?
The PokerShare.com Intelligence Office was clearly way ahead of Washington State's (if indeed they have one at all). The P.I.O. foresaw the possibility that Mikey might be arrested if he landed in Washington for his crimes against the state, so sent a body-double in Mikey's place.
Q: But why test this out now? A: Mikey is a showbiz animal, and gets what he wants, when he wants it. He had already expressed a burning desire to visit the state of Washington, because he was desperate to taste their highly-rated wines (particularly the Grenache). Also, he wanted to get his teeth into some of those sweet sweet Walla Walla onions (particularly the Corsicans).
In order to keep our high-maintenance monkey diva happy (and non-violent), we promised him a trip, once his idiot brother and lookalike Jeb had gone and tested the water (and the onions) there for him first.
Just as monkeys have been sacrificed in the name of science - brave animals who consented to starve to death in order to help some more evolved monkeys develop better rockets to fire into empty space, so Jeb sportingly made for us the ultimate sacrifice:
In order for Mikey to carry on carousing, getting rowdy, and, perhaps most importantly, playing poker, his inferior sibling had to end up in the Big House with the psychos and the perverts until he dies.
Jeb, if you are reading this - your brother Mikey sent the following message -
"Thanks broheim - you know I'd do the same for you... Still, it's nice to know I won't ever have to... You know?"
Mikey the PokerShare.com Monkey does bad things to good people, as Jeb knows only too well.
1 comment:
Hey Mikey;
That looks great on your arm.. too bad it couldn't have been yours.
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